The Midnight News 06.28.04

Posted by Hyatte on 06.28.2004

Gabbing, Bob Ryder, April Hunter, Box Office, Trish, HHH, Quotes, Typos and Advice

Dear Mr. HATyatte, I'd like to point out that calling yourself HATyatte is quite interesting. What type of HATs do you wear? Regular ones? Visors? Please, inform your readership I am interested.

Hats are an important part of our lives Mr. HATyatte and you should be no different.

Also what type of alcohol do you drink? I prefer ZIMA myself. A beautiful, wonderful, and very tasty drink. It is like a party in my mouth and you are INVITED! When can you come by?

ONe other thing, why do you call your column the Midnight News? I'm pretty sure it is not actually printed at Midnight, so why call it that? Maybe you should call it at when time it gets published. Like The 3:45 AM News! Now THAT would catch attention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a wonderful day Mr. HATyatte,

Gv2

That was a lot of effort for a faulty premise.

Hyatte… H*Y*A*T*T*E… not “HatYatte”

I’ll be down for that party on Thursday, round midnightish?

You wrote: "25 year olds, for the most part, tend to act like adults". What 25 year olds are you talking to? I'm 27 and I think 20-somethings almost all act like teenagers whose parents are out of town. The only thing giving me any hope that I won't always be alone is that maybe women in their 30's are more grown up, outside of motherhood forcing them to be. I stay at home and like myself, but it's boring as hell sometimes. Wish me luck on meeting a 35 year old who doesn't give a shit about her biological clock and just wants to spend her life devoted to ME, the most wonderful person she has ever known

No Name

There are, of course, exceptions to every rule… but in my experience, 25 year olds are finally old enough to realize that they aren’t that interesting… and their asses are getting fat on them no matter how hard they fight it… that helps.

You wanna go the wrinkled, tuna route? Be my guest, amigo… God speed.

Hi Shitlips, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. A day off turned into a WEEK off and… well, none of you should be that shocked. Like I haven’t taken a vacation from time to time? Heh.

Anyway, we have a lot of stuff to cover… some in-depth nonsense to poke through, and a PV to recap… so let’s jump to it and damn the torpedos and damn you!

THERE’S A GREAT AMERICAN BASH IN MY PANTS AND YOU WERE INVITED!

Don’t worry, I didn’t watch the damn show either, but not out of PROTEST like all these other cumstains, but because… well, I have a very simple policy here:

No Trish, no Hyatte.

That’s all I need.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to… oh screw it… observations from what I’ve been reading:

-I thought Rob Van Dam was supposed to do BETTER on Smackdown? Then why was he eliminated first?

-And does he care?

-Why is Rene Dupree in my life? And what’s with that faggoty blonde top? Oh, right… he’s French… and gay… which is an oxymoron… heh Hyatte rules

-The BLACK MAN pinned the FRENCH MAN!! I smell Michael Moore’s NEXT EXPOSE!!!!

-John Cena is NOT Vanilla Ice, by the way, he is CLEARLY channeling Mark Mark. (Come on, come on, feel it feel it!!)

-Kurt Angle confronts Charlie Haas… never has a wrestler gone from a Major Star to an afterthought harder than Kurt Angle.

-Sable in “some inane hotub scene” as quoted by Widro… I LOVE it when Widro uses slightly inappropriate adjectives

-If these shows were recombined and all the stars were together, could YOU tell the difference between Luthor and Tyson? Oh no you could NOT.

-Think Sheldon Benjamin crank calls Charlie Haas and just laughs and laughs at him before hanging up?

-I’m gonna miss Chavo Classic… Chavo Jr.’s gonna miss the cruiserweight title, which Rey Rey retained, just so he can job it out to his deadliest opponent EVER: Backstage POLITICS!!

-Torrie, Kidman, Funaki, ands Spike are in a hot tub… the boys ignore the girl and discuss WRESTLING! Now THAT is a parody of the Torch writers if I ever saw one!!!!

-Gotta hand it to Billy Gunn… he may job like a motherfudger these days, but name me 5 active wrestlers who have lasted 10 years with Vince!

-Taker, Gunn, Holly, Michaels, annnnnd…. Umm… SEE!!! YOU CAN’T!!!

-Heyman lectures Paul Bearer on how he will DIE tonight.. hey asshole, Paul Bearer’s over 40, 400 pounds and has NO muscle tone… he’s dying soon anyway.

-Sable pins Torrie and the loser is Fathers everywhere who are noticing that their sons couldn’t care less about this gratuitious nudity. Congrats, pop… you sired a HOMO!!!

-French AND Italian stereotypes are completely trampled on as Dupree and two of the FBI’s have a comedy bit… actually, most Dagos act EXACTLY like these boys, so it’s dead-ass perfect acting… heh Sinatra smoked penises.

- Gotta hand it to Billy Gunn Bob Holly… he may job like a motherfudger these days, but name me 5 active wrestlers who have lasted 10 years with Vince!

-Bradshaw is our new Smackdown champion… people, for chrissakes, RELAX… this is not permanant… Vince has a plan, Vince ALWAYS has a plan.

-Bradshaw has had his teeth whitened… heh.

-I bet Eddie is relieved… it’s a lot of pressure being champ… thank God Benoit has… well, let’s do it like this:

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH etc etc etc… this is just a BONUS… the REAL one is at the bottom, as usual…

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He is STILL Raw champ, just unofficial.. he’s carrying the load so Benoit doesn’t crack under pressure like Eddie was bout to! You should all THANK Hunter for assisting Benoit! THANK YOU, HUNTER!!!

THIS HAS BEEN blah blah blah the full one is at the bottom, this is a bonus

-Does the Undertaker’s ring entrance count as “work-rate”? I don’t follow such idiocy, so I don’t know.

-I don’t know… maybe I’m just goofy… but I think, had I ordered it, that the whole Taker end up pulling the lever after beating the Dudleys (because, what price is a man’s life if the cost is someone’s PRIDE?????? Someone’s DIGNITY??????

-Anywhoo… Bearer is dead… the PPV was horrible, according to EVERYONE… well, according to one guy and everyone else just copies him… not sure WHO the guy was, but I KNOW it wasn’t YOU

Hmm… this turned out to be a light version of the Mop-Up… but I enjoyed myself… that’s all that matters.

Of course… after all this fun, SOMEONE has to go and make a stink about NOTHING… AND GUESS WHO IT IS….

RYDER ON THE STORM

Call me crazy, but it looks like everyone’s favorite low-rent Jim Ross, BOB RYDER, is making a big stink over NOTHING…

A few hours after the GAB, the almost POP-UP FREE 1wrestling.com BLARED the following headline:

WWE VIOLATES THEIR POLICY AS STATED ON WWEPARENTS.COM

By: 1Wrestling.com

6/28/2004 12:29:26 AM

WWE apparently disregarded their own stated policy with the finish of tonight's Great American Bash pay-per-view.

The show ended with the "death" of Paul Bearer as he was buried alive in concrete. The Undertaker was portrayed as the killer and pulled the lever that sent concrete pouring into the crypt holding Paul Bearer. The show went off the air with the apparent murder of Undertaker's former manager.

WWE currently has the following policy posted on wweparents.com:

"Actions you will not see WWE characters portray are murder, rape or robbery."

The policy is posted under the "ratings" section, and is part of a website designed to educate parents on whether or not they should allow their children to watch WWE events.

The link provided was http://www.wweparents.com/tv/ratings.html%3Ewweparents.com%3C/a%3E:%3Cp%3E. Go there and you’ll see a huge, luminous NOT FOUND

Did the WWE actually YANK THE POLICY OUT WHILE OUR OBJECTIVE, INTREPID REPORTERS AT 1WRESTLING COULD ONLY SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND GROAN????

Umm, I don’t think so… see, what HAPPENED is that they got the link wrong (and have since repaired it) … go to http://parents.wwe.com/tv/ratings.html and read the following:

Millions of viewers around the world tune in to WWE each week. We offer a variety of programs designed to appeal to a diverse audience. We encourage parents to watch our shows and have discussions with their kids about our programs. Parents should decide what material is and is not appropriate for their child.

WWE's two flagship programs, RAW and SmackDown! are action/adventure soap operas. The action in these programs is generally performed in a “slapstick” manner, and is scripted and carefully choreographed. Our stunts are carried out in a safe environment and are executed by highly trained professionals. The activities performed on our programs are not meant to be emulated by our viewers, and do not represent socially responsible methods for resolving conflicts.

To assist parents in making these decisions, WWE voluntarily rates its television programs. These ratings are based on existing Federal Communications Commission TV Parental Guidelines.

For more information about the ratings system visit the National Cable and Telecommunications Association.

Explanation of Television Ratings

We rate all of our television programs using the existing Federal Communications Commission TV Parental Guidelines. For programs rated TV-PG, TV-14 and TV-MA, letter labels are included to provide parents with more information about the type of content that can be expected in each program. The letter labels communicate the following information:

D -- suggestive dialogue

L -- coarse language

S -- sexual situations

V – violence

Followed by a more detailed explanation of what the ratings mean. Including:

Under V: Actions you will not see WWE characters portray are murder, rape or robbery. Neither will WWE characters use guns or knives.

Typical actions that do occur within WWE programming are as follows:

*Characters may "hit" opponents with metal chairs, shiny new trashcans, baking sheets, metal stop signs or kendo sticks.

*Characters may "slam" opponents through folding tables, announcer booths, ring barricades and turnbuckles.

*Male characters may body-slam female opponents in the ring, and vice-versa.

Note: WWE's two flagship programs, RAW and SmackDown! are action/adventure soap operas. The action in these programs is generally performed in a “slapstick” manner, and is scripted and carefully choreographed. Our stunts are carried out in a safe environment and are executed by highly trained professionals. The activities performed on our programs are not meant to be emulated by our viewers, and do not represent socially responsible methods for resolving conflicts. See, they are TELLING PARENTS THAT IT’S ALL A WORK!!!

Oh… and this is PAY PER VIEW, PAY PER VIEW… and did we SEE Paul Bearer die? Hell no.

A few months ago, the Undertaker was buried alive… and no one made a sound about it… how is this different other than the WWE SCREAMED that Bearer would possibly be “killed” in a SCRIPTED SCENE????

The policy CLEARLY referred to their commercial TELEVISED shows… NOT PPV

This stinks… this REEKS of 1wrestling fishing for shit that ain’t there. It’s the usual policy adhered to by a LOT of assholes around here.

And it doesn’t help their cause that one of the two owners of 1wrestling just happens to be a cornerstone of the WWE’s biggest (haw, yeah right) competitor, TNA.

They can shell out ALL the bad press and bullshit they want… NO ONE WILL LEAVE THE WWE AND GO FOR TNA!!! NOT IN THE RIDICULOUS STATE THAT RAG TAG HICK COMPANY IS IN!!! SORRY, BOB!!! IT AIN’T HAPPENING!!!!

I don’t think a single review of the Great American Bash said that TNA was better… not that I paid attention or anything, but I’ll wager!

BRADSHAW AS CHAMPION IS STILL LESS PATHETIC THAN JEFF JARRETT GEARING A WHOLE COMPANY TO MAKE HIM A SUPERSTAR!!!

Unless I’m wrong (and I very well could be and the WWE DID pull something from their site), this was and is a monster case of over-reacting and shoddy reporting.

In this business?? My God!

APRIL, MAY (I) JUNE (YOUR) JULY (UNTIL YOUR) AUGUST (EXPLODES)?

Lamest sexual innuendo EVER!

I thought I’d take a second to briely revisit my little “thing” with April Hunter from a few weeks ago.

For those who forgot or didn’t read (die, fuckfaces), reported some rumors about how Indy superstars April (big bitch GIRL, big voluptuous girl) and her boyfriend Slyk Wagner Brown were misbehaving in and around the indy scene… well, April responded and things ALMOSTgot ugly (and the poor thing STILL doesn’t know what she was in for had it gotten so, I can be a fucking vicious motherfukk when I want to be) when she kept writing to me and was all nice and friendly and stuff… totally deflating my inherent rage….dammit.

Anyway, recently, on her website, she admitted to still feeling the effects of my initial report by posting this:

Oh, I’m so sick to death of hearing rumors that I slept with Sean O’Haire…I’ve slept with my fair share of men, but Sean O’Haire wasn’t one of them. And trust me; I’d hardly be ashamed of admitting to him. He’s pretty much a physical specimen. In the wrestling business there’s two ways to fuck with a female; One is to accuse her of sleeping around, the other is to call her fat/old. I guess I’m doing well at the moment, because the hate is coming at me from all sides, and all it takes is one "reporter" putting something like this in his well-read column and then it’s out there for everyone to speculate about. I just don’t like that those around me are questioning me about it, too. I know I’m not fat or old, but really, there’s no way to prove I didn’t bang a guy, so what can I do? It’s just amazing despite how hard I’ve worked to get wrestlers respect and how professional I am in the locker room; people would rather believe what some hack writes on his column. C’mon – if I was going to sleep my way to the top, I’d go for better than a minor developmental deal guy. AND, I wouldn’t still be working the Indies. I mean, give me some credit in that department…I AM a redhead.

Well, because I DO want to do hot & nasty things to her… I’ll try to help her out by REMINDING y’all just exactly HOW I phrased this rumor, from the MidNews in the beginning of May:

April allegedly cheated on Slyk with a recently released WWE worker when he was in Ohio (Hyatte’s note: Hmm… I wonder if this recently released WWE worker had a lot of body O’HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just a little unfounded speculation on my part)

UNFOUNDED SPECULATION!!! I took a stab and I was wrong, she didn’t bang Sean O’Haire?

So April… who DID you bang when you were in… oh nevermind! No ONE, SHE BANGED NO ONE!!!

Okay? We all clear? She never touched Sean O’Haire… possibly she never met the dude… plus he’s gay!! GAY!!

Anyway… I’m sure one day I’ll meet April and Slyk and we’ll have a big laugh over this… well, THEY’LL laugh… I’ll be moaning as Slyk shoves my own head deep in my ass and April stomps on my exposed balls… (reminds me of my Mom’s 40 birthday party, actually)

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!

Fahrenheit 9/11: $21.8 million ($21.9 million total). I saw this movie. See it. No, you don’t understand, this is the MOST IMPORTANT MOVIE OF THE YEAR. You don’t have to be a fan of Michel Moore, and his… well, his creative editing will piss some of you conservatives off, but he makes his points, he tells you stuff you might have not known because the network news anchors are not immune to seling the proper line of gods when asked (ordered?). But Moore has some things to tell you, and he traces how EVERYTHING our Governement over the last 3 years can be rooted to one thing: making money hand over fist. Did it devolve into an anti-war documentary? Yup. Did he NOT tell the FULL story behind some of his points? Uh huh. But is this movie a MUCH NEEDED antidote to the Bush Administration’s carefully controlled grip on what we are allowed to know? HELL YES! Yu want to celebrate free speech? Fuck Spider-Man and SEE THIS MOVIE!

My favorite part is when Moore shows how Charleston Heston sold guns to Usama Bin Laden. Damn, Moore doesn’t let go of ANY grudge.

By the way, Moore didn’t go the cheap root in one instance, he didn’t show the jets flying into the buildings. Many would have gone for the cheap heat there. He didn’t.

Just… see the fucking movie… what else do you got to see? WHITE CHICKS???

2) White Chicks: $19.6 million (21.9 million total) Oh for Christ sakes. Is this one of them movies where the black people show whitey how to get down wit it? ANOTHER ONE??? And is C. Thomas Howell SEETHING because they pretty much stole (and reversed, and switched genders) on his movie Soul Man? Soul Man, that was a WHACK ASS film: “It’s the 80’s man, this is the COSBY, DECADE!!”

Whatever happened to C. Thomas Howell anyway? One minute, he was a top young actor, the next he was fucking Joan Severance in a multitude of b-movies, and the next, gone… vanished… thin air. I guess you just don’t make Bill Cosby jokes.. you… just… don’t.

3) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story: $18.5 million ($67.1 million total): I WAS about to ant and rave about how Ben Stiller can JUST O AWAY NOW, PLEASE!!! But look at the total… 67.1 million… which one of you assholes is keeping this guy employed?????

I like Vince Vaughn, tho’… he can always be counted on to show up on E’s Celebrities Caught On Tape stumbling around drunk and pissed and old looking!

BUT ENOUGH WITH BEN STILLER… PLEASE!!!!!

4) The Terminal: $13.9 million ($41.8 million total). I saw it… Tom Hanks was Tom Hanks… perfect as always, Catherine Zeta Jones was miscast… but did anyone else realize that the theme of this movie… which is about patience and time, serves as an excellent companion piece to another Hanks flick, Cast/Away? Chew on that mind-blower a while and then discuss… with someone other than me. I ain’t got time for your nonsense.

5) The Notebook: $13 million opening weekend. Oh like I give a rat’s stinky ass.

In other movie news… it looks like Shrek 2 is gonna win the title “Best flick to drop the brats off at and pretend that you’re being a good parent” over Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Shrek cleared just shy of $400 MILLION so far while Harry’s limping along just a bit past $200 million. Poor Harry… how’s a brother supposed to make any CASH off that measly sum?

Garfield: The Movie looks like a chump at $55 million… I’m telling ya’, Jennifer Love Hewitt WILL do a topless sex scene, it WILL be “artistically done” and you WILL cream yourselves watching it… more than likely at home on DVD, where it’s most likely heading after half a day in the theaters.

The Stepford Wives walked with about $50 million. What does this mean? Well, it means Nicole Kidman isn’t QUITE the superstar everyone THINKS she is… THAT’S what it means!

None of this matters… Spider-Man 2 opens in two days… why don’t we just empty our bank accounts and mail our checks directly to Sam Raimi? Beause that’s what’s about to happen anyway. Why deal with the middle man?

FINALLY, do you like spoilers? Do you like endings ruined? Well then, go to my small blog page and scroll ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM and you WILL find out two things:

1- The twist ending to Spider Man 2… I THINK, I THINK this is what’s going to happen… if I’m not OVER-readig the spoiler teased reviews… I THINK this is what’s up… so you can read and mock me later.

2- The twist ending to M. Night Shyamalan’s upcoming The Village (formerly, The Woods). Now, this is M. Night Shyamalan we’re talking about here… so you KNOW the mood is going to be heavy and INTENSE (so intense that he can make you forget about certain plot holes, like how a super strong alien can be held captive in a pantry closet, or how a guy can live 40 years without realizing he cannot be hurt… or how a guy with brittle bones can POSSIBLY stay alive as long as Sam Jackson has. But, well, let’s put it this way, if Shyamalan can pull off this twist without making the audience GROAN in anger… then, my friends, the man is simply, GOD

Lie I said… DO NOT SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF MY SMALL BLOG PAGE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. You’ve been warned.

Oh fuck it… DOCTOR OCTOPUS WAS ONE OF THE DEAD PEOPLE!!! There, I RUINED IT ALL FOR YOU!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX MRS. TRISH HYATTE

And who was that WWE Diva starlet who was spotted in line for The Producers on Broadway the Friday before the WWE Raw brand pounded MSG to the ground?

Well, who’s NAME is in the title, dickhead?

Yes, the girl whom many think I OBSESS over was spotted in line for The Producers… low key as she is, she still caused a slight ruckus as Cleavon Little, star of Mel Brooks’es Blazing Saddles actually OSE FROM THE GRAVE, rode his dead horse to NYC, look at Stratus, pointed and said, “HEY EVERYONE, THERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT!!!” (ba-dum dum)

The QUESTION of course, is WHO was the strapping young man by Trish’s SIDE in line?? Who is smart enough, confident enough, and charismatic enough to proudly stand next toTrish and act as if he deserved to be there? And how DO I, the great HYATTE, know this???

Hint: it wasn’t WIDRO!! Heh heh heh heh

Hint 2: It wasn’t DAVE MELTZER!!! Ho ho ho ho

Hint tres: It wasn’t SCOTT KEITH!! Ha ha ha haaa

Hint quarto: It wasn’t DAVE SCHERER!! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck

Hint: cinquo: AL Isaacs? ARE YOU SHITTING ME???? BWAHAHAHAHAAA

So… WHO went with Trish to see The Producers??? And why am I making a big DEAL OUT OF IT???

Oh… oh wait, this just in… she DID go to the show with Scott Keith…

…….

………

….well fuck me then.

In other news, when hearing that Trish was at the show, Producers star Nathan Lane was heard to say, “Who cares? I love the cock… besides, I’m on hiatus”

Mathew Broderick couldn’t be reached for comment, but many assume he’d have pretty much the same reaction as his co-star

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Jizzlicker, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

Are you fucking BLIND? Have you SEEN the roll he has been on lately? In terms of telling stories, putting people over, and workrate? Hey asshole, let’s see YOU try this!

FROM THE MOUTHS OF REALLY GOOD LOOKING GIANTS

More more, I ALWAYS needs more…

It’s back to basics this week as we stick completely with movies.

And… maybe… a appearance from GENE THE FUCK HACKMAN????

NO! Gene gets a week off. How about a double shot, however, of everyones FAVORITE Jewish Oscar Host… BILLY THE FUCK CRYSTAL!!!!

No? Then how about the dude who played “Ernest”

Umm, Ice THE FUCK Cube?

Oh, okay… to kick things off we feature and extended, three actor exchange starring – pound for pound one of the baddest asses in Hollywood- He is old school, he is new school, he is an event, he is a force of nature… he is dying soon so grab him while you can. Filling in for Gene the Fuck Hackman is none other than… JACK THE FUCK NICHOLSON!!! BOOYAAAAA!!!!

01): I submit to you that whoever wrote that memo has never served on the working end of a Soviet-made Cuban Ml-Al6 Assault Rifle. However, the directive having come from the NIS, I gave it its due attention. What's your point, Jo?

She has no point. She often has no point. It's part of her charm. We're outta here. Thank you.

My point is that I think code reds still go on down here. Do Code Reds still happen on this base, colonel?

Jo, the colonel doesn't need to answer that.

Yes he does.

No, he really doesn't.

Yeah, he really does. Colonel?

(Colonel Jessep): You know it just hit me. She outranks you, Danny.

Yes sir.

I want to tell you something Danny and listen up 'cause I mean this: You're the luckiest man in the world. There is, believe me gentlemen, nothing sexier on earth than getting a blowjob from a superior officer, a woman you have to salute in the morning. Promote 'em all I say.

Colonel, the practice of code Reds is still condoned by officers on this base, isn't it?

You see my problem is, of course, that I'm a Colonel. I'll Just have to keep taking cold showers 'til they elect some gal President.

I need an answer to my question, sir.

Take caution in your tone, Commander. I'm a fair guy, but this fuckin' heat's making me absolutely crazy. You want to know about code reds? On the record I tell you that I discourage the practice in accordance with the NIS directive. Off the record I tell you that it's an invaluable part of close infantry training, and if it happens to go on without my knowledge, so be it. I run my base how I run my base. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast 80 yards away from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me. So don't for one second think you're gonna come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous.

(A moment of tense silence before)

(Kaffee): Let's go. Colonel, I'll just need a copy of Santiago's transfer order.

What's that?

Santiago's transfer order. You guys have paper work on that kind of thing, I just need it for the file.

For the file.

Yeah.

Of course you can have a copy of the transfer order. For the file. I'm here to help anyway I can.

Thank you.

You believe that, don't you? Danny? That I'm here to help anyway I can?

Of course.

The corporal'll run you by Ordinance on your way out to the airstrip. You can have all the transfer orders you want.

(The lawyers start to leave.)

But you have to ask me nicely.

I beg your pardon?

You have to ask me nicely. You see, Danny, I can deal with the bullets and the bombs and the blood. I can deal with the heat and the stress and the fear. I don't want money and I don't want medals. What I want is for you to stand there in that faggoty white uniform, and with your Harvard mouth, extend me some fuckin' courtesy. You gotta ask me nicely.

(Extremely tense pause)

Colonel Jessep ... if it's not too much trouble, I'd like a copy of the transfer order. Sir.

No problem.- A Few Good Men

02): Is that Stephen Foster? You know, Stephen Foster. 'Camptown Races?' Stephen freakin' Foster.

Actually, this is a nocturne.

A what?

A nocturne. You know, Frederick Fucking Chopin.- Tombstone

03): Hey Ernest, you got a turtle on your nose, man!

No, uh....it's a zit. Comes back every now and then.

Come on, fellas. We can jerk that sucker off no problem.- Ernest Goes to Camp

04): …But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.

But that was his job. He was an illusionist.

But he never reappeared.

He wasn't a very good illusionist. Clue

05): [At Curly's funeral] The man ate bacon at every meal...you just can't do that!- City Slickers

06): With whom did you have this great sex?

I'm not going to tell you that.

Fine, don't tell me.

Shel Gordon.

Shel? Sheldon? No, no, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.

I did too.

No you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man... but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me Sheldon, you're an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.' Doesn't work.- When Harry Met Sally (Hyatte Note: The same rule applies to guys name “Chazz”, as one poor, naпve girl is currently finding out)

07): Man, man, man...her momma got ass too. Give me 3 1/2 minutes maybe

even 4; she'll be wanting to marry a nigga

Who? Her momma?

Hell yeah, you know what they say: older the berry sweeter the juice

Man, it's the blacker the berry.

Yeah, well yeah..she blacker than a motherfucker too!- Friday

Blacker than a motherfucker… indeed.

Ya know, I’m whiter than Scott Keith in Times Square and I’ve fucked a mother or two… not including my own… does this make me an unofficial black man?

Well, then, WHERE’S MY WELFARE CHECK AT???

Oh, oh lord that’s horrible… I apologize… truly. Dammit…

Anywhosis… this is where most of you who didn’t SCROLL THROUGH EVERYTHING and I part ways… a SELECT FEW OF YOU get to stick around for the Advice thing… actually, you ALL should stick around because… well, I’m smarter than youso you can’t HELP but learn something from me.

But, if you HAVE to go, well then suck my yank

This is Hyatte

Okay, now for the rest of you who enjoy the way I Guide your asses through this crazy, mixed up world…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

I tacked on one or two extra ones just to make up for last week, so now you’re looking at around a 3 column lag between answers, give or take. Which isn’t bad, considering.

Variations of a familiar theme abound this week, but the cool thing is, my first letter and my last letter are unique. Coolness!

He UNcool thing is, every letter I have, here and on-deck are from MALES… where are the CHICKS with the problem? (And not YOU, nutbag… I listen to your whining once a week!)

How do you meet girls? The hell with that, this first dde wants to know how to meet GUYS!! And he ain’t, I repeat, AIN’T a homo!!

Okay, this will sound a little weird, but I need your help. Not with women, thank God, as I've been married to one of the most awesome chicks God ever put on this Earth for the past 4 years. No, I need help finding friends. Bear with me.

I currently work in finance/accounting, which means my co-workers are either dorky guys or dorky chicks with ZERO social skills. Am I the exception to the rule? Abso-fucking-lutely. Since work is where most people meet friends (in adulthood), I am screwed. I simply want a group of guys to hang with and do manly stuff (watch sporting events, play poker, knock back a few beers). Having moved back to my hometown (about population of 250,000) from a big city (population 3M) over a year ago, I haven't connected with anyone. Have I forgotten how the hell to make friends? I attended a Big Ten school and had a TON of friends back in the day...what happened?

Thanks for any help you can give me...unless it sucks or is too harsh.

No Name

What happened is you got married, tiger.

Anyway, do you shoot pool?

Darts?

Play basketball?

Softball?

Bowl?

If your answer to any of these is “yes”, then join a league.

Or you can join your local Rotary club.

Basically what I’m saying is, there are a lot of ways to make a few new friends and celebrate man-hood. You just got to look around.

Hell, become a regular at a local tavern. Look at Norm and Cliff from “Cheers”. Best of buddies!

Hey, Hyatte. I always enjoyed reading your guides to life. You are sensitive when you have to be and insensitive when you have to be. But you have discretion. That is what sets you apart from other advice columnists. I never figured I'd hand out my personal life to a guy who writes on a wrestling site, but friends and family always waste your time with stock answers, like everything happens for a reason. So it'll be nice to talk to

a neutral third party.

The story starts out with a girl, as seems to be the case with most of your writers. A mutual friend introduced us (we lived 400 miles apart). For two months we talked on the computer and occassionally on the phone, and we found we had a tremendous amount in common. Eventually, in the winter of 2002, we decided to meet, and I took a Greyhound to see her. This is just backstory really. We hit it off and had a romantic movie like moment in New York City, and that solidified our relationship. We decided to officially

go out several days later. We had a great year, and the long distance relationship wasn't hard because we made every attempt to see each other, so I was there at least once a month. We really made it work and were madly in love.

By December 2003, we argued a bit. And I know that's normal in relationships. They were just little spats. We were still madly in love.

Then in early March I went to visit for Spring Break. It was a great trip, and everything just seemed to work right. We celebrated my 21st birthday, and everything seemed like it was going well. Then, about a week later, my girlfriend said that she was worried because we were each other's first real and substantial relationship, and it worried her that she didn't have an identity as a woman without thinking of me, because our identities were so tangled up in each other. Later I found out that a jerky guy was hitting on her at her work. She didn't like him at all, but she was intrigued that someone besides me could find her attractive (she has very little self-confidence). She remained faithful, and I know this because she despises cheating and all that. And in her defense, I got really jealous

and dumb and made some comments I shouldn't have. I've since apologized. We sort of dug through all that and had a very pleasant Easter this year. After Easter, the two of us were still in love, but we argued constantly. We always promised that we'd understand each other better and that we'd try to make things work. However, things kept spiralling downward, as both of us are stubborn and were unwilling to actually compromise. I got a research scholarship for the summer, which would put me farther apart from her and

make it so I couldn't visit. So we at first decided that we would take a break and see other people, not to make a commitment, because we still love each other, but at least to see what is out there. We balked at the idea quickly. Then I visited her for a week in a half in early May to see her before I left for the scholarship. Everything was very good and very pleasant, except for a few arguing and tense spots, which I now regret

deeply. But we were still in love.

Then I came to the campus to do research. The first few nights were okay, but sort of tense. Then, we had a big fight, and we decided that we would break up. But we are still in love and still best friends. She felt that she has steadily been losing her faith, and that since we were so close that she has been making every decision thinking of me instead of listening to God's call. I myself am a lapsed Catholic, so I at least knew where she was

coming from. So right now, we are broken up, but we are still talking as much as we had been. We have been really supportive of each other, doing Bible study together, and generally having much more pleasant conversation than we have had for months, since the pressure is off. The problem is that I still want to be going out with her and finding these things out together, but she feels that us being friends instead of romantically linked will be better. And I asked if we could ever go out again, and she said that if it is God's plan, she will certainly be willing to give us another chance. But that sense of uncertainty is killing me. Some of my friends say to wait until she comes around, others say to go out and play the field. Myself, I don't know. I'd like to get my religion and her back, but if it's not going to happen, I'd like to know so that I can try to move on and do other

things. I've still planned to visit in August, so things could be really clear or really awkward by that point.

I'd just like to know what your take on everything is. Like the old Clash question, should I stay or should I go? Should I try to be who she wants me to be and help her to grow as an individual, or should I move on with my life? The only reason I keep talking to her is that we broke up rather amicably and mutually, with no animosity or real event like cheating or abuse or foul mouthing the other causing the break up. We still love each other, and she says that this is the best thing for us to do, and we will decide at some other point.

Thanks,

Scott

You still love each other, you still love each other, you still love each other, you still love each other. Okay, I get it. You still love each other.

But, do you still love each other? That is the question.

It’s strange, you kept hammering that into your letter. Now, normally I’d just chalk it up to the natural repetitiveness of a non-writer, but perhaps you’re trying to convince someone other than me? Perhaps by chanting it over and over, like a mantra, you are trying to convince… yourself?

Or am I reading too much into that? It’s up to you to decide that one.

What I DO read is how the girl is making up these complex… excuses for wanting to put a little emotional distance between you two. First it was that whole, “my identity is entangled with yours and it’s CHOKING!” bullshit. Ugh, what nonsense. How ridiculous. That was just her way justifying her curiousity towards that other guy who showed her a little attention.

Now she’s switched boys on you and is citing God as her excuse to be free. Look, I talked to God… HE HAS NO PLAN FOR YOU… he said: “Free will, brother. I gave all you little termites all the free will you can handle.” You’re gonna have to trust me on this, God didn’t create the Universe a billion years ago just so you two can hook up. He just wants you to keep your noses clean.

So, all that aside, what you are going through is the standard roller coaster that any and all relationships go through. First you fight, then you make up. Things feel like Hell, then they feel like paradise. It’s 100% natural. You’re only extra quirk is that it’s the first time for both of you, so you have nothing to compare this relationship to.

You’re young, she’s young and it’s not fair to go with the “All or nothing” approach your first time out of the relationship gate. Go explore. See what’s out there. Take a few trips to the salad bar. Sample different dressings. You owe to yourself. She deserves it too.

And, because I’m tired of musing on the topic, I won’t even get into the inherent trouble that a “Long Distance Relationship” can bring.

Greetings Wise & Powerful Hyatte

I'll probably get reamed by someone for asking this one.

You've done advice on break-ups and what not, but I'm kinda on the other end of the spectrum. I seem to be, how shall I say, romantically disabled?

See, I've never seen, or really known what a functional relationship is. My parents married for wrong reasons, but because of the condition of an older sibling, they've stayed together. My other sibling and I have grown up watching our parents barely interact at all, and we've never been given any advice whatsoever on how relationships work, get started, etc.

And when I do come across people in good relationships, they've been together for years already, and they're usually at the point where it's just natural for them to be together that you can't dissect what brought them together in the first place.

I'm deeply embarrassed to say that I've never really had a date. The time I did, she denied it was a date, though even her friends were on my side. So that along with my many rejections has gotten me thinking, is there an approach I'm missing? A signal I'm sending? A pheromone I'm emitting? I'm sure as hell not rude to any of the ladies I meet, so I doubt that's it.

I'm not enjoying a lot of this at all, so hopefully you can give me some advice.

Some Lonely Guy

Ya know, the dude who walk onto the pitcher’s mounding knowing damn well that his curve ball will curve straight down the line, his fast ball will sweat breaking 20 mph, and the only dipping he’ll be able to pull off his the wad of Skoal in his mouth WILL get hammered to the tune of 10 runs before the first out.

You go in knowing you’ve got no chance with the girl and you’ll go home alone, depressed, suicidal, and blue-balled.

That’s one thing about girls, they can smell desperation on you. They can see “LOSER” as if it’s tattooed on your forehead.

I am NOT running a goddam “How to Pick-Up Girls” forum here… because, quite honestly, I do just OKAY… not great, just decent.

Remember a few weeks ago in this column? Probably, but I’ll refresh your memories anyway:

Did you know that guys are split into 2 groups universally:

Group 1 can get any chick they want.

Group 2 has to ask 100 girls out before one will say yes.

The problem is that guys in group 2 refuse to believe they are in group 2 and are too afraid to ask girls out because they WILL get rejected 10 times and therefore proving beyond a doubt that they are group 2 people. Everyone wants to be in group 1.

Well, I’m in group 2 just like most of you assholes. Lucky for me, I have an ace up my sleeve, being that I am fucking Hyatte and one day, Hyatte’s gonna kill the asshole who walks around in real life… and then, by God… he’ll be getting Stratusfaction!

Anyway, you need to practice flirting with every piece of ass, fat or otherwise, that you meet… and don’t flirt like you want to get laid there and then, flirt like it doesn’t mean anything. If a girl flirts back, well, it’s better than the one who ignores your obvious, yet innocent advances.

Just… please… don’t ask me for lessons on how to flirt.

Oh, and stop blaming mommy and daddy.

Hyatte,

My problem is this. I dated a girl for about 7 years and she passed away in a car accident about 2 years ago. It messed me up pretty good and I've just recently got back into the dating scene. Spent alot of my free time during that period working out, you'll be happy to hear. Anyways, I met a girl, Amber, who is HOT. Way hotter then I ever thought I'd get. I was a bit of a skinny, nerdy kid growing up. As I approached my 20's I started to

grow into my body a bit and worked out pretty heavily and I'm now, at least, not way out of her league. Problem is she likes to talk about tanning & hair highlights, not much else.

I also met another girl, Mary, who is not quite so hot, but very intelligent and interesting. She sees the world as larger then just the city we live in and is into travelling. I honestly think she has the potential to be a really serious girlfriend.

My problem is that it's almost like I don't want to start something serious with Mary until I have my wild oats sewn, so to speak. Like I said, 7 years in a monogamous relationship, followed by 2 more years where I didn't really want to hook up with anyone. For the first time in my life, I have a shot with girls who used to be way out of my league.

Is it worth the risk to delay things with Mary and see if i can a few girls like Amber into bed?

Anyways, hope you don't mind another chick question. Love the column. (I'd spell check this, but I just got home from the gym, and any gym rat know theres no better post-gym activity then smoking a phat, phat doob)

later

Marco

Yup.

By the way, smoking a doob after a work-out is pretty stupid. Because then you get the munchies and start noshing on all sorts of crap that you’re body I working s hard on burning off.

Now here’s a follow-up to something I wrote a few columns back… with an addendum question:

Hyatte,

Before you even wrote it, I did it. I was at a club with my boys, checkin out the scenery when this cute brunette comes my way. I stop her with some cute joke, and then we started chatting. Her friend was busy with some other dude so I had her attention. Talked it up good a 5-10 minutes then parted ways. 30 mins later, same thing, we stop and chat. This time, this big guy comes and butts in, but it turns out to be her brother and he's totally cool! He says to me "oh, I'm just her brother, sorry dude, keep talking". Unreal!! Anyway...again at the end of the night, same thing, stop and talk. Nice girl, good 1st impression, I'm into her, she's into me. She asks me how old I am and followed it up with "not that it matters". (I'm 28, she's 23) So end of night is here, what do I do? I ask her if she'd like to take my number down and call me sometime. She was pretty enthusiastic, and said yes. I gave it to her, she entered it into her cell phone and confirmed it with me. And then we said goodnight.

That was Saturday, May 29th. It's now Monday, June 7th and no call. I'm not really bummed cause who hasn't been brushed off before? It's happened before and it'll happen again I'm sure. But what gets me is I'm a really good judge of character and I was DAMN sure she was into me! IF I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have pulled the trigger with the phone number. So what gives? She extended conversation in a room filled with people, she got my number, and no call.

And by the way, I know I'm group 2, and oh yeah, I take rejection in stride. Happens to the best of us. I say you gotta weed through the weak ones to get to the golden ones who are keepers.

So, what's your take on the phone number game? I guess if she wanted to call, she would've? What's the longest amount of time you've experienced from the phone number exchange to the first call? Mine's maybe a few days at most.

Mike

My take is… some girls just like the ego-boost a phone number exchange can bring. Then they wake up in the morning, sober.

Then there are the INSANELY hot girls who think: Hmmph, he can call me like everyone else calls me, dammit. He needs to know who the lucky one here is. Looord, I’ve seen a few of those.

Keep an eye out for her whenever you go back to the club, because chances are, she’ll be doing the same thing. Then, if you do “bump into each other”, try not to smile as she casually says, “Oh, I wanted to call but I (lost your number, been really busy, threw your number in the laundry by accident)”, then try again (It’s all about the Game, and how you play it).

If she STILL doesn’t call after the second meeting, screw her, she’s insane, and boring. Her favorite topic will be herself.

You know what I need? I need to BREAK this continuous cycle of 18 – 20 year olds asking whether or not they should approach a girl! How, oh how do I do that?

Dear Mr Hyatte,

I have decided to write to you with my question to try and break the continuous cycle of 18 – 20 year olds asking whether or not they should approach a girl.

Oh thank GOD!

I mean honestly what’s wrong with these kids, when I was that age I was trying to hit anything that was female and breathing, anyhow back to my question.

Firstly some background, I’m male, 36 years old, married 13 years to a woman that I love very much, 2 kids (boy 11 and a girl 9), the boy plays football and guitar while the girl takes art classes and plays the drums, both of them are great kids. I have a 2 story house in a good suburb with a mortgage that while big is far from unmanageable. I work in senior management and get a fairly good salary which includes a company car. I work from 8.00 am to 4.00 pm Monday to Friday and rarely have to do any extra hours which means my weekends are fairly free so I can spend good quality time with my family

which I enjoy. My wife works part time at the local school so is able to drop the kids off at their school and pick them up every day. I am getting the good lovin from the wife at least once a week with a couple of quickies thrown in for good measure as well. I have a dirt bike that I take out and ride about once a month for a bit of fun in the forest and have just recently bought my wife our first ever brand spanking new car.

OK so to quickly recap, I have a good job with good pay, a great house, 2 cars, a beautiful wife, 2 great kids oh yeah and a dog. I have the perfect life.

So why aren’t I happy???????????????????

I mean I am happy, but not truly happy deep down inside. Upon reflection it seems the only time I am truly happy is when I’m hurtling through the bush on my motorcycle at breakneck speeds.

I just don’t get it. Your wise council on this matter would be appreciated.

Thanks

SDN

No sense of adventure, maybe?

No sense of excitement?

Maybe because the next twenty years is laid out in front of you, all pre-planned, all arranged? Every Sunday through every Saturday? For… EVER?

Not all of us can be James Bond, slick. Deal with it.

Or have an affair! Just be fucking OBSESSIVELY CAREFUL about it, because whatever misery you see ahead of you now, it ain’t NOTHING compared to what will happen if you get caught cheating.

36… you’re still young, go back to school and learn a new career. I hear being a Lawyer can be fulfilling, AND fun… unless that bastard David E. Kelly has been LYING to us all these years!

Nah, I say go have an affair. Live dangerously.

Or sit on your ass and accept that you have it better than most.

And we’ll wrap ‘er up just like so.

Thursday, well, we have Vince McMahon, we have Flea, we have reading material, we have a list of all the things that makes TNA sucky beyond compare. We goof on Scott Keith, Dave Scherer, and Wade Keller (maybe, or I might save them for next week… or maybe the week after), we have a little fun. Widro talks about the one 411 writer who is REALLY pissing him off. Some DUDE tries to hit on me. And… hmm… porn? Sure, why not.

Next week is the July 4th weekend, so I expect NO ONE to be reading… but I’ll pull something together anyway.

If Spider-Man 2 is sold out, go watch Fahrenheit 9/11

And DO NOT READ THE SPOILERS

, DAMN YOU!

Damn you all to hell.

This is Hyatte